


Tea and toast

by sonicinthestone



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Fluff, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, References to Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-10
Updated: 2013-03-10
Packaged: 2017-11-28 21:42:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/679172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonicinthestone/pseuds/sonicinthestone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A merthur university au. Hurt comfort. Merlin helps Arthur come to terms with an unhappy past through sonnets, flowers and toast.  Featuring Shakespeare, toast and shameless fluff. Warnings for homophobia, mentions of abuse and panic attacks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Merlin was in his second year of English literature, when he had moved away to uni everyone had told him how brilliant it would be, how he would have a brilliant social life and get drunk every Friday night and so on. He hadn't quite had the experience he was so promised, he wasn't unhappy though, he enjoyed the freedom to spend his free time reading, watching TV and eating toast. He did run the uni LGBTQ group which he enjoyed. Not that he didn't have friends- Gwen was always there when he needed someone and him for her. He was mates with her boyfriend lance as well, though he didn't see him much. But he had a quiet life, and however much he tried to ignore it he was lonely. He had only ever had one boyfriend, and that was well over a year ago.

Merlin sighed and grabbed his buzzing phone from the side. Gwen had text him, 'Taken a look at the first years, seriously hot blonde Lit student, Arthur think his name was. Defo gay.'

Merlin rang her back. ‘Gwen how many times have I told you I don't need setting up with anyone?'

'But he's hot and besides I'm fed up of you moping.'

'I do not mope.'

'Yes you do.' Merlin sighed.

'How do you know he's gay then?'

'Cause he's that old movie stars son, it was all over the papers last year.'

'Gwennnnnn.' Merlin groaned.

'What?' she said innocently.

'This is not the Arthur Pendragon is it?'

'Well....'

'Gwen please don’t tell me you actually talked to him about me.'

'Not specifically... I just mentioned I had a friend, who took lit.'

'And?'

'Nothing.'

'Gwen don't lie to me.' Merlin said.

'And I might have mentioned that you helped run a LGBT group and are always interested in new members.'

'GWEN!' Merlin sighed and shook his head. 

'Well see you later. Canteen at lunch as per?'

'I guess so. Bye Gwen.'

'Bye Merlin.' Merlin put the phone down. This really had to stop. He grabbed a shower and got dressed. He had ten minutes to walk to class.

'Early!' he said to himself laughing as he walked as fast as looked sensible to try to cut down the usual twenty minute walk down to ten.

'On Monday ladies and gentleman we,' the professor stopped speaking and looked up as Merlin walked into the lecture theatre. 'Good evening Merlin, nice of you to join us.' Merlin looked apologetically at him and took his seat.  
'As I was saying, on Monday you will each be paired with a first year and be leading a discussion about anti Semitism in a merchant of Venice, you need to go over your notes from last year, it'll be interesting to see which of you does well.' The class groaned. The rest of the lecture went as per and Merlin left wondering if he even had the notes from last year.

He walked to the canteen, he bag bumping against his leg. When he walked in he panicked for a second before he saw Gwen sat in the corner of the room, he waved and smiled at her before going to get something to eat and drink. He balanced his tray and coffee carefully as he walked to the table, his eyes locked on them. Which turned out to be a mistake because a second later his coffee was down the front of someone else's T-shirt.

'Sorry.' Merlin said. The man in front of him was tall and blonde and, well hot. 'Really I am my fault.'

'It's fine.' The man said, though he sounded aggravated.

'I'm Merlin.' Merlin had put his tray down by now and held his hand out, the man took it and shook it firmly.

'Arthur.'

'Nice to meet you.'

'I would return the sentiment but I'm covered in coffee and my shirts gone see through.'

'Aah yes.' Merlin gulped a little as he looked away from Arthur's face. 'Well I better be going.' Arthur nodded and Merlin walked awkwardly away. Gwen was laughing.

  
'Yup you were right for once, he is astoundingly attractive.' Merlin said when he reached Gwen.

'Wow did you just agree with me on something? I'm astonished.’ Merlin laughed and went to buy more coffee.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me a while to update I've been really busy lately.

It was Sunday night. Merlin was just drifting into sleep when his phone lit up. ‘When does your group meet? It’s Arthur btw.’ Merlin stared at his phone.

‘Tomorrow night 7pm uni bar.’ He replied.

‘Thanks see you there.’ Merlin didn’t want the conversation to end now it had started. His fingers hovered over the keys as he tried to think of a way to extend it.

‘Who gave you my number?’ He said finally.

‘Your friend Gwen.  She was very complimentary actually. I'm suprised you have such a pitiful love life.’

‘I’m going to get her for this.’

‘Well I think it’s excellent that you have such a good friend.’ They texted for a while, one conversation leading to another, till Merlin knew an awful lot about Arthur and Arthur in turn knew quite a lot about Merlin. It was 2am when they finally called it a night.

‘Goodnight Arthur.’

‘Goodnight Merlin’ Merlin fell asleep with a grin on his face and his phone in his hand.

The morning lectures dragged on slowly. When lunch time finally arrived Merlin almost ran to the canteen, having been so impatient and bored for the past few hours. Gwen saw him and gave him a puzzled look.

‘What are you so happy about? You still have another afternoon of tutorials.’

‘Oh yeah, but half the day has gone!’ She looked at him again.

‘Merlin is there anything you would like to tell me?’ Merlin shook his head and they both sat in silence for a while.

‘You gave Arthur my number.’ Merlin stated a few minutes later, attempting to look intimidating.

‘I did.’

‘Well I am very cross.’ Merlin said trying to hide his grin.

‘You know it doesn’t work when you’re beaming like a Cheshire cat.’ Merlin stuck his bottom lip out. ‘So come on spill the beans, are you in love?’ Gwen asked sarcastically.

‘No!’

‘Not even a little?’

‘I’ve only known him for a like a day, and I spilt coffee on him.’

‘He said he found it quite funny actually, we talked after you left.’

‘Still only known him a day.’

‘So you’re not even a teensy tiny bit besotted?’

‘Nope.’ Gwen looked pointedly at him ‘Okay maybe a little, but it’s only a very little little.’

‘Awww my little Merlin’s growing up!’  Merlin pulled a face at her and she laughed. He only had one tutorial that afternoon and it was one he had been dreading all week, pairing up with a first year to discuss a play he had studied over a year ago. He groaned to himself.

When he reached the tutorial a list was pinned on the door of names. He looked down it till he found his name and then gulped.

‘Hi.’ Merlin turned, Arthur was stood behind him.

‘Hi.’ Merlin replied. Merlin shuffled awkwardly and looked down at his shoes, Arthur bit his lip.

‘Sooooooo,’ Arthur said as they walked towards the seats that were set out in the room, ‘Merchant of Venice.’

‘Yup.’

‘You know I always wanted to go to Venice when I was a kid because I thought it was literally a city underwater.’

‘Well you were a smart kid.’ Merlin said and Arthur laughed. ‘To be fair I thought the moon was actually made of cheese way past the acceptable age.’

‘And what’s the acceptable age?’Arthur asked, amused.

‘I’m not sure but it took me till I was 11.’

‘And you got into university? Wowza.’

‘Hey I’m just as smart as you.’

‘I wouldn’t go that far Merlin I don’t spill coffee on people.’  Merlin was laughing when the professor came up behind them.

‘I hate to interrupt but you do have work to do boys.’

‘Sorry sir.’ Merlin said trying to stop his face going red.

‘What a lovely shade of scarlet.’ Arthur said winking. They got on with the work then, and despite himself Merlin was surprised by Arthur’s enthusiasm and obvious love for the text.

They left the lecture together and as they talked Arthur felt as if he had known Merlin forever, and he wanted nothing more than to reach out and hold his hand, but he couldn’t for he had no idea if Merlin really wanted him.

‘He deserves better than me.’ He said almost silently under his breath.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This seems to be going a little angstier than I thought so sorry about that.

Arthur had been desperate to get away to university; he wanted a normal life without camera flashes and publicists. The kiss the paparazzi had got on camera was with the only boyfriend he had ever had, and the only person he had ever loved. The scandal and media attention soon separated them, Arthur’s only comfort running away from him like everyone else. When the picture had turned up in the papers his father was furious; thinking about it Arthur wished he had outed himself before the media did it for him. What followed was a shock even to Arthur. Uther had always been loving, in his own way, though distant and strict and though Arthur didn’t expect the outcome to be good he hadn’t expected what followed. Arthur shook away the thoughts that were about to return to him, I’m safe now, I’m far away.

‘I’m safe.’ Then he curled up in a ball on his bed and counted his breaths.

Thirty minutes past until he unfurled and looked at the clock on the wall, it was seven o’clock.

‘Shit.’ He grabbed his leather jacket from his bed post, slapped some after shave on his face and pulled a brush through his hair. ‘It’ll have to do.’ He walked briskly to the uni bar, hoping he wasn’t too late.

It was twenty past seven when he arrived; the bar was reasonably full for a Monday night and was loud and rowdy. Arthur almost turned and left till he saw Merlin chatting with a girl in the corner of the bar. He wandered over.

‘Arthur!’ Arthur smiled at Merlin. ‘I thought you weren’t coming for a moment there.’

‘Yeah well I just, I got caught up in things, but I’m here now.’ Merlin looked at him for a second, pausing as if trying to deduce what he meant.

‘Well don’t we all, come meet the gang, they’re a lovely bunch once you get past the innuendos and nagging, or maybe it’s just me they nag but anyway.’ Merlin led Arthur over to a group of about fifteen who were sat in the corner of the bar. ‘Evening everyone, this is Arthur, Arthur this is everyone.’

‘Oooh fresh meat!’ One of them jeered and Arthur laughed.

‘Hi.’ He said.

‘Sit down; can I get you a drink?’ Merlin asked.

‘Yes, definitely, beer please.’

‘Okay I’ll be right back.’  

Arthur looked at the people in front of him; they all looked pretty normal, like every other student except for the occasional rainbow badge. It was something that he was still getting over, his own internalized homophobia, the stereotypes which had been fed into his brain since he was a little kid. He had been in denial about himself for so long that he still found it hard sometimes.

‘Damn it’s a shame Merlin’s already got you snapped up.’ A man in the far corner of the group gestured towards him.

‘No it isn’t like that, I only met him yesterday.’  Arthur blushed despite himself and the man waved his hands triumphantly in the air.

‘Need I say more?’ Arthur just laughed this time and joined in the conversation.  When Merlin came back with the beer he was deep in discussion about which doctor who companion was better and Merlin groaned loudly when he heard him.

‘You know none of them beat captain jack!’ He said.

‘What about Rory?’ Arthur replied.

‘Meh, I think he’s a little over dramatic 2000 years and all that jazz. Kind of annoying.’

‘Did you just insult Rory?’ Merlin nodded. Arthur went in for the attack, tackling Merlin to the ground and tickling him till he squirmed.

‘I repent I repent!’ Merlin shouted. The landlord just shook his head and Arthur nodded apologetically in his direction. The laughter was a common feature of the rest of the night, and for the first time in a while Arthur felt truly comfortable with himself. 


	4. Chapter 4

Merlin look away from the TV and listened. The doorbell went again. He looked at the clock, it was half eleven at night, which wasn’t late for being awake but was definitely late for dropping by on someone. Merlin pulled a T-Shirt over his head (he’d been watching TV in pyjama bottoms) and went to the door.

‘What the,’ Merlin stopped; he was just about to shout at whoever had knocked on his door, when he saw Arthur. Tear stains covered his face and huge bags rested under his eyes. He looked down at the floor. ‘Arthur.’ Merlin said softly.

‘I’m sorry I’ll go, I just, I didn’t know where else to go, this is pathetic I’m sorry I’m going.’

‘No, stay.’ Merlin opened the door wider and gestured for Arthur to go inside, Merlin shut the door and followed Arthur in. ‘Sit down. Do you want a drink? Oh and excuse the mess, I er wasn’t expecting visitors.’

‘It’s fine. Water please? Thanks.’ Arthur spoke quietly; though his voice was reminiscent of sandpaper, as he spoke Merlin looked at him. His face was red and he was crying again. Water clung to his eyes lashes, his hair was sticking up in odd places and his lips bled a little. Merlin wasn’t sure what was wrong; he’d never seen someone so empty. So vulnerable.  
Merlin handed Arthur the glass of water and sat down next to him on the sofa.

‘Do you want to talk?’ Merlin asked.

‘I don’t know Merlin, I’m sorry for all this, I’m fucked up, I’m sorry.’

‘Arthur, please, don’t do this.’

‘Do what? Know the truth? I’m fucked up and I’m a shit person who can’t control their own feelings and makes everyone run away from him.’ His voice raised a little and he started to sob.

‘Hey, hey shush.’ Merlin took Arthur’s hand and rubbed comforting circles on the back of it with his thumb. ‘I’m not running away am I, I think, well, I think you’re great. You’re beautiful, you love things wholeheartedly, like you love Shakespeare and you haven’t even mentioned my massive ears once. So what’s wrong Arthur? Because you can tell me, if you want, and I promise I won’t run away.’

‘That picture was the first time Uther knew anything. It was the only time I’ve ever been, ever been in love with someone. But the first he heard was when it was in the paper that morning. He didn’t like it. He didn’t like me. He said he’d beat it out of me. Said I was a disgrace to his family. And, I don’t understand because he was always loving you know, it was tough love but it was, it was still love. The boy, William, he left me. Said it was too much. And it’s gone and I’ve left but it won’t leave me and I don’t want this. I want to be normal.’ He had stopped crying and spoke quietly again. His voice distant. Merlin didn’t really know what to say. ‘I, I’m sorry Merlin, I.’ Merlin put his fingers to Arthur’s lips.

‘I love you Arthur.’ And he leant over and kissed him, ever so gently, on the lips. And then held him tightly in his arms like a child. They fell asleep like that, limbs intertwined, and they slept more deeply than Arthur had for years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :) . Hope you're enjoying the fic so far. Comments are greatly appreciated, they are really useful to a writer so if you do have any comments please go ahead. Sonicinthestone x


	5. Chapter 5

‘Good morning.’ Merlin said with a smiled on his face as he untangled himself from Arthur’s arms. His neck ached and he had pins and needles almost everywhere but it didn’t matter. ‘How are you?’ Arthur’s eyes flickered open. He stretched and smiled. Merlin’s own smile widened. Then everything came crashing down.

‘I can’t do this.’ Arthur spoke in a quiet melancholy tone, the smile he had woken with had fallen from his face and was replaced by a pained expression. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Please Arthur.’ Merlin’s voice was raw and desperate. 

‘I don’t want to hurt you Merlin. I don’t want to do that.’ 

‘Then stay. Please.’ Merlin looked at him pleadingly as tears welled in his eyes. He reached for Arthurs hand and grasped it. Arthur pulled away.

‘I can’t.’  And Arthur left. Merlin sat on the floor and held his head in his hands. He wanted to go after Arthur; convince him to stay but he didn’t. He just sat.

Arthur walked as fast as he could from Merlin’s flat and out into the street. Then he walked and walked, it wasn’t that warm but he didn’t care. The pavement rolled gently under his feet, it was dusty from lack of rain. It started to rain, spitting at him and quickly soaking his t-shirt. He walked despite it, ignoring the rain that clung to his eyelashes and hair and following wherever the pavement took him.

* * *

 

Merlin called Gwen. ‘Hi Merlin.’

‘He left.’ Merlin thought he was all cried out but his voice broke and his eyes dripped with tears again.

‘Oh Merlin. Why did he leave?’

‘I don’t know Gwen but I thought, I thought that. I don’t know.’

‘Do you love him?’

‘No, well yes but I haven’t even known him for that long and this is the real world, love at first sight and all that shit doesn't happen and I just,’ Gwen interuppted him.

‘Love him?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Do you think he was scared? It can’t be easy being him you know?’

‘You’re probably right.’

‘I usually am.’

‘But what difference does that make?’ Gwen sighed at him.

‘It means you go after him, you prove to him that it’s gonna be okay.’

‘I’m a bit thick aren’t I?’

‘Only a smidgen.’ Gwen laughed.

‘Thanks Gwen.’

‘Bye Merlin.’

‘Bye Gwen.’

Merlin got up off the floor, changed into some slightly cleaner clothes, grabbed his wallet and left the flat. He headed down to the nearest florist, which actually turned out to be quite far away. When he finally arrived he realised he had absoloutely no idea what he wanted.

‘What are you looking for sir?’

‘I’m not sure; I’m erm, not a flower expert.’

‘Are we talking lover or mother?’ Merlin laughed.

‘Lover.’

‘I think roses are always good, we can do a lovely mixed bouquet of red and white ones?’

‘Yes that would be great thanks erm?’

‘Mithian.’

‘Thanks Mithian.’ The bouquet was wrapped in plain cellophane and Merlin had declined a message, he held it inside his jacket to shelter it from the rain. It occurred to him that he didn’t actually know where Arthurs accommodation was, he’d have to ask at the student info desk.  He almost smiled as he walked down the street; it was going to be okay, everthing was going to be okay. He lifted his head from staring down at the pavement and  walked straight into, well into Arthur.

‘Hi.’ Arthur said. Merlin pulled the flowers out from his jacket.

‘You ruined it, I was going to write a sonnet on some paper and knock on your door and it was going to wonderfully cheesy and soppy.’ Arthur stared at him for a while, his mouth made shapes but nothing came out. He ran his hand through his hair slowly.

‘So recite it to me.’ He said finally. Merlin was shook his head. ‘Please.’ Arthur said, and Merlin couldn’t argue. He was slow and shaky at first, not able to look in Arthur’s eyes.

‘Let me not to the marriage of true minds  
Admit impediments. Love is not love  
Which alters when it alteration finds,  
Or bends with the remover to remove:  
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark  
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;  
It is the star to every wandering bark,  
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.   
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks  
Within his bending sickle's compass come:  
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,  
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.  
If this be error and upon me proved,  
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.’  

When he had finished he looked up. Arthur was smiling gently, like it was a secret. He looked at Merlin like a child looks at a butterfly, when everything is so new that it is extraordinary, before things become normal and boring.  Merlin handed Arthur the flowers and started to walk away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poem is Sonnet 116


	6. Chapter 6

They didn’t speak for a few days, each too scared that they’d would ruin what they had, or ruin each other.  Arthur wasn’t really very experienced in the whole relationship thing and after what happened last time he was still wary of getting involved in one. But he loved Merlin, or at least he thought he did. These thoughts whirled in his brain, and he couldn’t admit to himself what he really felt.

 

Merlin gave Arthur space, he didn’t want to be pushy, he cared about Arthur enough that he didn’t force himself onto him like that. But the separation after the intensity was painful; he was worried he had gone too far, done too much and scared Arthur away. Which was why he had walked away in the first place.

* * *

 

It was four in the morning, Arthur turned over in bed trying to force himself into sleep, the nightmares had come back but they were different this time, Uther was still there but this time it was Merlin who was telling Arthur to get out, not his mother. It ended as it always did, Arthur ran away and, what used to be his mother and was now Merlin, was pushed out of the window, and Arthur woke up with an image of them on the pavement below.  His hands shook and his breathing was irregular and laboured. He focused on a spot on the ceiling and counted his breaths, watching the steady in and out of his stomach.  A few minutes later and his breathing was more or less back to normal but there was still that lingering nausea wedged in the back of his throat and pit of his stomach, he stood up and then sat back down again for his head spun and he couldn’t stay upright.

 

Ten minutes passed as Arthur sat perched on the edge of his bed, trying not to relive the nightmare, but the image of Merlin sprawled out on the pavement wouldn’t leave. He got angry with himself, angry at his own failure, his own weakness. Angry at everything he perceived to be true about himself. ‘I’m shit. I’m shit. I’M SHIT.’ He shouted, then he stood up, the adrenaline from the rage covering any dizziness that had been there before. He hit his fists against the wall, until they throbbed and he began to cry. Finally the angry turned to sadness and he collapsed onto the floor. Then, right in front of him, was the slowly dying bunch of roses. He didn’t have a vase so they were in a beer glass. A few had drooped and some leaves scattered the low table they were sat on but they weren’t quite dead yet. Arthur reached out and stroked one of the petals, it came off in his fingers and he scrunched it up and smelt it. He washed his hands and crawled back into bed, sleep came back to him them but the nightmares didn’t.

 

* * *

 

Arthur knocked gently on Merlin’s door, his hands trembled a little.

 

‘Hi.’ Merlin said, shocked.

 

‘Hi, I erm, got you these.’ Arthur handed Merlin a bunch of violets with a little tag attached. Merlin took them, handling them like they were made of glass. With his thumb he lifted the tag to look at it. Words were scrawled in small black writing on the tag:  ‘Let's go hand in hand, not one before another.’

‘No had ever bought me flowers, before, before you did.’ Arthur said as Merlin stared at him silently. ‘I thought, well I thought you’d like these.’

 

‘They’re beautiful.’ Merlin looked at him, paused for a moment and then said, ‘Do you want to go on a date?’

 

‘A date.’ Arthur repeated.

 

‘You know pizza, a movie. A date.’

 

‘Yeah, yeah I would like that.’

 

‘I’ll pick you up at seven?’

 

‘Okay.’ They both stood not moving, or saying anything for a while till Merlin coughed and Arthur looked down at his shoes. ‘Well I better go.’

 

‘Thank you Arthur. ‘

 

Merlin put the flowers in a plain white vase and stuck the tag on his pin board. He rifled through his wardrobe looking for an outfit to wear that night, he generally just wore jeans and a T-Shirt and it took him a while to find anything more appropriate. As he ironed his only shirt, which was horrifically creased, he smiled. He’d asked Arthur on a date, a proper date. Merlin was the sort of person who had every milestone event of his life pre-imagined, not that anything happens like you imagine it, but he let himself indulge in the possibility that it would, that everything would be exactly how he had imagined it. Then he went out to buy a new shirt, for the one he was trying to iron really wasn’t rescueable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Charlotte for the flower suggestion. The quote is from act III of Much ado about nothing. Hope you are enjoying the fic comments are much appreciated.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken so long, I've been super busy with school work. Anyway I hope you like it there is one possibly two chapters to go. Any comments good or bad are really appreciated. Thanks for reading!

‘Hi Arthur, it’s Merlin.’

 ‘Hi.’ Arthur replied.

 ‘I erm, well I don’t know where your room is.’ Merlin said.

 ‘You’re a clotpole you know that?’

 ‘Hey, that's rude. So could you tell me where you room is maybe?’

 ‘I’ll think about it.’

 ‘Arrrrttthuuuurrr.’ Merlin pleaded.

 ‘Room 113 north building.’

 ‘Thank you.’ Merlin said, exasperated.

 ‘See you later.’

 ‘Bye.’ Merlin put the phone down, it was half five, he sat on the sofa and flicked through the channels on his TV.

 

Even though he had been ready since five Merlin still managed to be ten minutes late picking Arthur up, he had thought he wasn’t going to take flowers, then thought he probably should, which meant he had to walk to the florist. Which was far away. He knocked on Arthur’s door and Arthur opened it.

 ‘I thought you weren’t coming’ Arthur said.

 ‘Well you thought wrong.’

 ‘I suppose I did.’ Arthur smiled.

 ‘I got you these.’ Merlin handed over a bunch of red roses.

 ‘More roses?’

 ‘You don’t like them?’

 ‘No no I love them, they’re just you know, fancy and romantic.’

 ‘Like me then.’ Merlin said laughing. They walked down the stairs and into the cold evening air. It was still light, though wouldn’t be for long- the sun was low in the sky. It was Sunday night and the streets were virtually empty. Merlin shivered from the cold, he was only wearing a thin shirt.

 ‘Have you ever heard of a coat Merlin?’ Arthur asked.

 ‘It didn’t look cold.’ Merlin insisted. Arthur raised his eyes sceptically. They walked for a few minutes in companionable silence, watching the pavement roll beneath their feet.  ‘My hands are cold.’ Merlin complained. Arthur reached out and took one of his hands in his.

 ‘Better?’

 ‘But now only one of them is warm.’ Arthur sighed.

 ‘Fine, it’s one or neither.’ Arthur said and he withdrew his hand. Merlin pulled a face and grabbed it back. ‘Are we nearly there yet?’ Arthur asked a few minutes later.

 ‘Yup, it’s there.’ It was a small pizza restaurant, which seemed reasonably busy. They walked in and sat down at a table by the window.

 ‘We haven’t actually done the normal questions have we?’ Merlin said.

 ‘Like what?’

 ‘Like where are you from?’

 ‘Are you sure that’s normal? That sounds a bit stalkerish to me.’

 ‘Well I think it’s normal.’ Merlin said.

 ‘And you’re a good judge of normality are you?’

 ‘What are you insinuating Mr. Pendragon?’ Merlin said sarcastically.

 ‘Oh nothing, nothing at all.’ Arthur paused and then added, ‘I’m from London, my dad’s a jerk with a PhD in how to be a dickhead. Oh and he is also famous, in case you didn’t know.’

 ‘Yeah I knew.’ They carried on talking about their families, though Arthur actually left out most of his home life and stuck to talking about his sister Morgana. They paused for a while when the pizza arrived. Each enjoying their own cheesy feast.  ‘What changed your mind?’ Merlin asked in-between mouthfuls.

 ‘What do you mean?’

 ‘Well you left, and then you came back. With flowers.’ Arthur looked at Merlin.

 ‘You were in my nightmare.’

 ‘And that’s good?’ Merlin asked, confused.

 ‘Well no, yes well, it’s complicated.’

 ‘Tell me? I mean only if you want to but,’ Arthur interrupted Merlin’s flow.

 ‘When Uther saw the photo he was angry, really angry. I was 17, you know that cause it just over a year ago, he shouted at me for over two hours, I didn’t say anything. He kept saying that I was a disappointment to him, and that my mother would be ashamed of me. I didn’t say anything I just cried and he got so frustrated he punched me right across the face. I had a bruise for weeks. He didn’t beat me up very much, only 7 or 8 times but he never spoke to me except when he had to, and when he was angry. Every day he would tell me I was worthless, pathetic, a disappointment.’ Arthur paused, his voice catching. Merlin reached over and grabbed his hand, squeezing it lightly to comfort him. ‘He would always bring up mum, always, it was his master card, the one thing he knew would get a reaction out of me. Well I started having nightmares, it would be Uther shouting at me, calling me a coward, and mum would be stood on the edge of an open window. And every time I’d run away and as I did mum would fall and then she’d be on the floor. Dead. Last night it was you. And you didn’t fall. Uther pushed you.’ Arthur was crying properly by now, and Merlin was desperately trying not to. He didn’t speak for a long time; he didn’t know what to say. He’d guessed some of what had happened, he’d expected it, but he still couldn’t quite internalise it.

 ‘Why was I there?’ Merlin asked, for lack of something else to say.

 ‘Because I’m scared of losing you, because I love you.’ Arthur said quietly. That was it; Merlin couldn’t control it any longer, he reached over the table, not caring about pizza, or people anymore, and dropped a kiss on Arthur’s lips. Arthur reached up his hand and held the back of Merlin's head pulling them together. They’re lips collided again, Arthurs were soft and tasted like pepperoni, Merlin reached out his tongue and licked Arthurs lips, they both deepened the kiss, desperate and passionate. Arthur’s eyes were closed with pleasure; he had wanted this so badly. It ended all too quickly, the moment broken and then both left blushing and giggling slightly.

 

‘Shall I get the bill?’ Arthur asked. Merlin nodded, he wasn’t going to argue about paying, he knew perfectly well Arthur had more money than him, so he let it go.

 ‘Cinema?’ Merlin asked.

 ‘Could we skip that bit?’ Arthur asked with a wink.

 ‘I don’t know can we?’

 ‘I mean only if you want to?’ Arthur said, suddenly apprehensive.

 ‘Of course I do you stupid oaf.’ They wandered back to Arthur’s room; hand in hand, giddy and drunk on each other’s company. They kissed again on the corner of the street before the university accommodation. Their bodies close, hands roaming, lips and teeth and tongues everywhere. When they arrived outside Arthur’s room he unlocked the door, as he was doing so Merlin had a moment to himself, I’ve never been this happy, he thought and Arthur’s thoughts ran much the same. 


	8. Chapter 8

 

Merlin’s alarm rung loudly, they both groaned. Merlin refused to move and snuggled a little further into Arthur, Arthur responded similarly, pulling a pillow over his head. He spoke but it was muffled by the pillow, Merlin pulled it away.

‘I said how long is it to your first tutorial?’ Arthur said.

‘Erm half an hour.’

‘You might want to shower.’

‘Yeah.’ Merlin pecked Arthur on the head and went into Arthur’s bathroom. The shower was fancy and Merlin had a hard time working out how to get it at the right temperature. ‘That shower is ridiculous.’ Merlin said when he came out of the bathroom with a towel round his waist.

‘It’s just a shower Merlin.’

‘It’s not just a shower it’s an angry shower it spits at you.’

‘Showers don’t spit.’ Arthur sat up in bed now, a loose t-shirt over his previously bare chest.

‘Well that one does.’

‘You have fifteen minutes to your tutorial.’

‘Pass me my t-shirt.’ Merlin said gesturing to the scrupled pile of fabric next to the bed.

‘You’re not really going to wear the same thing you wore yesterday you?’

‘What else do you suggest?’ Merlin said folding his arms.

‘I have plenty of clothes.’ Arthur sighed, got out of bed and walked over to his wardrobe. He pulled out a white t-shirt, red hoodie and a pair of skinny jeans. ‘I got these jeans when I was like 15 so they should fit you.’ He threw them towards Merlin. Merlin put them on disapprovingly.

‘I don’t see what was wrong with my clothes.’ Arthur ignored him and got back into bed.

‘You look wonderful, although those jeans are a little baggy but never mind, you have five minutes, good look.’ Merlin pulled a face at him.

‘I haven’t had even had any breakfast.’

‘You’re life is so hard.’ Arthur said turning over on the bed.

‘But I can’t not have breakfast, I’m betraying it.’

‘Well grab a banana or something. You’re going to be late.’

‘I want toast.’

‘MERLIN.’

‘Fine. I’ll just go, I might starve to death but you obviously don’t care.’

‘You’re not going to starve in an hour long tutorial, look come back here after and you can have breakfast.’

‘Fine.’

‘NOW GO.’ Merlin left. He was only a few minutes late to his tutorial, and the tutor didn’t even notice. It went by very slowly, he watched the hands of the clock crawl round, he almost felt like they were laughing at him. His phone beeped half way through. It was Arthur.

‘What do you want for breakfast?’

‘Toast.’

‘That’s boring.’

‘Toast.’

‘What about a bacon sandwich?’

‘Toast.’

‘What’s so special about toast?’

‘It’s hot bready goodness what more could you want?’

‘Bacon.’

‘Toast.’

‘Seriously?’

‘Yep. My dad always used to make me toast when I was a kid. I like toast.’

‘Aww did you have to make it yourself when you were all grown up?’ Merlin stared at his phone. It flashed up again a few seconds later. ‘I’m sorry, I forgot xxxx’

‘It’s fine. See you in a bit.’ The lecture eventually finished and Merlin left in more of a hurry than usual.

 

‘Where are you going in such a hurry?’ Gwen ran and caught up with him.

‘Nowhere…’ Gwen eyed him suspiciously.

‘I’ve never seen you in those clothes before.’ Merlin didn’t say anything. ‘Wait,’ Gwen said, ‘Isn’t that Arthur’s hoodie?’

‘It might be.’

‘Well you obviously had fun last night.’

‘You could say that.’

‘Well I’m happy for both of you, now if you’ll excuse me my carriage awaits.’ Lance was stood on the pavement with a couple of bikes.

‘Hi lance.’ Merlin waved and Lance waved back. Merlin picked up his speed as he headed back to Arthur’s apartment, he knocked on the door.

‘Hi.’ said Arthur, he had showered and was wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

‘Hi.’

‘I’m sorry about, you know.’ Arthur said awkwardly.

‘It’s fine honestly.’

‘I made toast.’

‘I LOVE YOU.’ Merlin exclaimed, and then went a little red.

‘And I love you.’ They ate the toast and then went their separate ways, to lectures and the like. They saw each other across the canteen at lunch, but let it go. Arthur felt comfortable now; he knew Merlin wasn’t going to leave.

 

Merlin had almost forgotten about the LGBTQ group until he got a text from Sophia half an hour before hand. He changed his clothes and texted Arthur to remind him. Merlin smiled as he walked into the pub, Arthur was in among the other members, a pint in hand looking to be having a genuinely good time. Arthur’s face lit up even more when he looked up to see Merlin standing in the doorway. Merlin smiled back and walked over.  

 

‘I’ll have a pint please and thank you.’ Merlin announced when he had crossed the pub.

‘Hmph,’ Arthur replied, ‘Toast and beer, I never thought you’d be so high maintenance.’

‘Told you so.’ The man who’d made the comments at the last meeting said smugly.

‘You’re just jealous.’ Merlin replied, the man, who Arthur had learned was named Cedric nodded.

‘You should be.’ Arthur said and then went to the bar to buy Merlin a drink.  


	9. Chapter 9

Arthur was shouting in his sleep, a few weeks had passed; he’d been quiet and anxious earlier in the day and their bedroom activity had been hot chocolate and cuddles rather than their usual, more vigorous ones. Merlin had enjoyed the quiet chat in the duvet, though Arthur was still anxious and troubled even then. Merlin had soothed him to sleep, singing quietly and holding him against his chest. Merlin looked at Arthur, his face was angry and his fists were clenched. Merlin grabbed his shoulders and shook him.  
‘Arthur, Arthur!’ Arthur woke up.  
‘Merlin, Merlin oh god.’ He started crying then, and he shook uncontrollably. Seeing him like this broke Merlin’s heart, he thought, well he thought that Arthur was better now. He had been naive he realised, this wasn’t a book, this was real life and people aren’t magically fixed like that.  
‘Arthur, look at me.’ Arthur looked up. ‘Arthur I’m here, see.’ Merlin reached out his hand and held Arthur’s. ‘I’m not going anywhere, ever, I love you Arthur.’  
‘Just hold me.’ Arthur said. Then a second later he added, whispering, ‘Please.’ Merlin wrapped his arms around Arthur, and kissed his lips gently, Arthur buried his head into Merlin's chest and cried a little more. Merlin comforted him, drawing gentle circles on his back and occasionally reminding him to breathe.

A while later Arthur lifted his head up, shuffled slightly so that he was at the same level as Merlin, and returned his kiss. It was 5 in the morning, Merlin had been wide awake for a while but now he was tired. He yawned.

‘Go to sleep.’ Arthur said gently.

‘I’m worried about you.’ Merlin said.

‘You’re here aren’t you? That’s enough.’ Merlin was the one who hid his head in Arthur’s chest this time, and Arthur wrapped his arms around him, kissing his forehead gently before they both shut their eyes.

Arthur woke shaking slightly, the events of the night before still present within him. He stared at the ceiling for a while, listening to the quiet ebb and flow of Merlin’s breathing. He’d known the day before that the nightmare would come, he knew when he was in a bad place, he could feel it, and he had felt bad for not saying something. Maybe I should have gone back to my own flat he thought. And, slowly so as not to wake Merlin, he slid off the bed, grabbed some of his clothes from Merlin’s wardrobe and put them on, and left.

Merlin watched Arthur take some of his clothes out of the wardrobe, they had clothes at each other’s apartments now, and tooth brushes, and Arthur had brought tea bags because ‘I’m not drinking bloody decaff.’ Then Merlin watched him slip the t-shirt and jeans over his head, pick up his phone, glance at the bed, and then leave.

Merlin sat up in bed, and thought. It hurt him that Arthur left, more than anything, it seemed bonkers that he had fallen in love in just over a month but he had and he didn’t want it to be over. He knew Arthur was insecure, but he never thought he would leave, and it was hard, really hard. Because he realised that it would take time to make Arthur believe in himself, that Arthur would keep leaving, and he knew that he himself wasn’t the most perfect of people, he was paranoid and needy, Merlin sighed.

‘Maybe I’m not good enough.’ He whispered.

He stood up, it had grown cold in the apartment and he felt it on his bare shoulders. He slipped on a t-shirt, and if it was Arthur’s then he hadn’t done it deliberately, and if he had held it to his face and taken in Arthurs scent before he put it on, it was only to check it was clean. He made a cup of tea, and it was a complete accident that he used Arthur’s tea bags, and then he switched on the TV. It was a show about antiques, which was pretty terrible but he didn’t really care. ‘Oh fuck this.’

He stood up. Now, he decided, was the time to be selfish, so he picked up his phone and sent Arthur a text. ‘I made you toast. Merlin x’ Then he waited.


	10. Chapter 10

Arthur didn’t go back to his apartment; he wandered round the campus, a little cold in just his t-shirt, with his iPod in. He let himself feel sorry for himself, wandering slowly, listening to depressing music and generally moping. After a while he got bored and sat down on a bench. He hated himself for leaving, but he hated himself more for having to leave in the first place, he felt inexcusably weak yet undeserving of Merlin. Running his hand through his hair he sighed. 

‘Hey, are you okay?’ Arthur looked up, and took his earphone out; Gwen was stood in front of him looking concerned. Arthur nodded. ‘Oh for goodness sake you're both a pair of idiots. You know that? Idiots. Call him Arthur, he loves you, nothing is going to change that.’ Arthur was about to speak when his phone buzzed, he got it out of his pocket and read the text.

‘I made you toast. Merlin x.’ Arthur dared to smile. 

‘Was that Merlin?’

‘Yeah,’ Gwen looked pointedly at him, ‘thanks Gwen for you know, dealing with us.’ 

‘Yeah, I should get an award, agony aunt of the month or something.’ Gwen said and Arthur laughed and smiled at her.

‘Well I best be going. See you later.’ Gwen waved at Arthur as he turned and walked back towards Merlin’s apartment. He wasn’t sure if he really wanted to, but Gwen was right, and Merlin clearly still believed in him. He went up the stairs rather than using the escalator, making himself put one foot in front of the other and not turn back. He knocked on the door and Merlin opened it. 

‘I burnt the toast.’ Merlin said.

‘You could make some more?’ 

‘There is no bread left.’ Arthur laughed at him.

‘Well we’ll go get some if you want.’ They both paused, each wanting to say something but not really knowing how to say it. Arthur just wanted to reach out and kiss Merlin then, and he stepped forward to do so.

‘No.’ Merlin said. Arthur looked at him. ‘Arthur we can’t just ignore this. We can’t just pretend it isn’t happening and kiss and pretend it’s all better. I love you but I can’t just pretend this is normal.’ Arthur’s face fell. Merlin walked into the flat, Arthur followed and shut the door. 

‘I don’t understand. I thought, I thought you didn’t mind.’ Arthur said.

‘Arthur, I’m not saying this makes you a bad person, or that I don’t like you for it, I’m telling you that you need to get help.’

‘I don’t need help. I’m not crazy, I don’t need help.’ He was shouting now, and Merlin just felt his heart break a little more with every word.

‘Arthur getting help doesn’t mean you’re crazy. I doesn’t mean you’re damaged goods or that you are irreparably flawed, it means that you are making yourself better.’ 

‘Why now?’

‘Because I was naive. I thought that us being together would magically fix something, but it doesn’t work like that does it? Wounds take time to heal and I care about you, and I don’t want you to hurt even though I know you do.’ Merlin was exasperated, and close to tears. Arthur sat down and put his head in his hands. 

‘I just, I don’t want to go to some stupid counsellor that’s never met me and sees me as the actor’s son. I don’t want this all over the press, I don’t.’ Arthur didn’t finish the sentence but Merlin knew what he was going to say. He sat next to Arthur. 

‘I made some phone calls, my uncle Gaius is a councillor and physiologist, I’ve known him for years, he helped me when I was younger.’ Arthur looked at him with wide puppy like eyes, the same eyes that he had looked at Merlin with when Merlin gave him flowers, the eyes that said he was shocked that someone cared. Then Merlin gave in and reached over to him. He kissed him passionately on the lips, deepening the kiss quickly. Arthur clutched at Merlin’s back his arms wrapped tightly around him and Merlin in return held on to Arthur. Both sets of eyes were closed, their faces smiling with pleasure. They kissed for a long time, neither quite wanting to pull away and when they finally did Merlin kissed Arthur on the forehead, just to make sure. 

They didn’t speak, they cuddled in companionable silence, Merlin drawing odd lazy shapes on Arthur’s arms and back and Arthur watching him intently, like a cat watches a ball of string. It was late on Sunday morning, the sun crawling through the window quietly, so as not to disturb the lovers in its path. The apartment was beginning to warm up now, the old boiler rumbling into life noisily. Arthur looked around the apartment, clothes were scattered across the floor, along with CDs and uni books. Merlin’s laptop sat on the corner of the bed, its screen lighting up a patch of the wall in front of it.

Arthur interrupted the silence with a rumbling from his stomach. Merlin laughed.

‘Toast?’ Arthur asked.

‘I feel that’s a plan.’ Merlin said untangling himself for Arthur’s arms. ‘Or you know we could just eat pizza so we don’t have to leave the house.’

‘We could go to my apartment, I have toast and pizza and a comfier bed.’

‘Hey what’s wrong with my bed?’ Arthur looked at him. ‘Okay you have a point. Let’s go.’ 

Arthur dragged Merlin by the hand out of his apartment, locked Merlin’s door and pulled him towards the escalator. When they reached it Merlin grabbed a better grip of Arthur’s hand, and kissed him on the nose. 

‘I love you.’ Arthur said, Merlin smiled, it was the first time Arthur had said it first and it made him warm and fuzzy inside. They got to Arthur’s apartment ten minutes later, Merlin’s stomach was rumbling by then. Arthur put some toast on and they ate it happily. 

‘You have something.’ Merlin kissed a crumb off Arthurs chin. 

‘That’s just cheesy.’ Arthur said. 

‘I’ll give you cheesy.’ Merlin tackled Arthur by the waist and kissed him, almost aggressively on the lips. After a while he moved down, kissing Arthurs chin and then planting kisses all over his neck. Arthur moaned a little and responded by kissing Merlin anywhere he could get his lips to, which ended up being the top of head and his hand which was resting on Arthur’s cheek. Merlin’s hands crept inside Arthur’s shirt pushing it over Arthur’s head and throwing it across the room. 

‘What’s this for?’ Arthur asked as Merlin trailed his hand over Arthur’s chest and stomach.

‘Whatever do you mean?’ Merlin carried on, hands and lips everywhere, smiling wickedly as he slid his thumb under Arthur’s waistband. 

‘I love you Merlin.’ Arthur repeated almost to himself as Merlin unbuttoned his jeans and slid them down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you have enjoyed this! I might write an epilogue if anyone expresses a want for one so comment if you have any feelings about that. Also I really appreciate any comments positive and negative because it is really helpful for a writer. Also if you have any requests for future fics feel free to leave them in the comments as well. Thanks for reading! :)


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